November 13th, 2008 by Jennine

Miss Elly turned 10 years old yesterday which is a relief to me. We have been listening to her countdown to the special day for the last 364 days. If you thought the political commercials were bad, try hearing a “It’s my birthday in only ___ days”, along with a list of her most coveted gift items.

We have a tradition of taking our birthday children out to eat at a restaurant that doesn’t require the engine to remain running while you eat. This year Elly wanted shrimp for her birthday meal which, in our rural area, limited our choices.

But we found her shrimp and she enjoyed the meal knowing that now she has one more thing in common with Hannah Montana because Hannah eats shrimp at every meal.

After we finished eating, we took Elly to a store to pick out paint for her bedroom, something I’m guessing Hannah Montana has never done.

Since Elly shares a room with her little brother, a choice she made when Kait moved out and she discovered that the darkness of night requires another body to be in the room, I tried to nudge Elly away from the neon purple that she chose for the color.

“You know what the smart decorators do, Elly?”

“What?”

“They choose a neutral color for the walls and bold colors for the accent. That way, should you go blind grow tired of the bright purple, it is easy to change the look of your room!”

Darren and I teamed up to sell the idea. That’s where I present the idea and Darren sucks in wind like he’s starved for oxygen and says “Ahhhhhhh… what a GREAT IDEA!”  We have found this to be a highly effective parenting tool whether it be for selling a bath, bedtime or a chore list.

Elly tapped her chin with her index finger,  thought about it for a minute and said “I think you’re right. This could work.”

And then she proceeded with a list of must-have decorating accents, the likes of which would make Bill Gates take a peek at his checkbook to make sure he could cover the tab.

Apparently counting backwards from 364 can make you irrational.

So this weekend, we are giving Elly her birthday gift–a redecorated bedroom. This weekend is also deer hunting, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by my husband.

“Oh, come on, Honey… [sucking in wind like I'm starved for oxygen]… this will be REALLY FUN!”

“It’s not going to work, Jennine, I know what you’re trying to do,” he said while rolling his eyes.

I leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

“Will you shake on that?”

I nodded.

“Then you’re right. This is going to be REALLY FUN!”

Yeah. I’m gifted in the art of persuasion.

November 8th, 2008 by Jennine

My friend, Chubbs, has written an excellent post regardling the mysteries of the men’s public bathroom.

I highly recommend you read this post.

November 7th, 2008 by Jennine

1. “I can’t wait to go shoe shopping!”

2. “I’ve had enough coffee for one day.”

3. “I’m completely caught up on laundry.”

4. “My home is too clean.”

5. “I am in the mood to shop for groceries.”

6. “Maybe we should cut down on expenses by getting rid of the internet connection.”

7. “Boys, I’m tired of you sitting there quietly reading your books. Why don’t you wrestle.”

8. “Do these jeans make my rear end look small?”

9. “I just want you to take me out dancing at the bar.”

10. “Sure I have stamps. They are in my purse.”

11. “You’re grounded for cleaning the bathroom without asking.”

12. “I really want to homeschool the kids again.”

13. “It’s really hot in here.”

14. “We need to buy the kids glitter for Christmas.”

15. “I love deadlines.”

16. “I’m not in the mood to take your picture.”

17. “Can we watch UFC instead of this cooking show?”

18. “This would taste perfect if we just add some flax seed oil.”

19. “I’ll be back in a bit. I’m going to my pilates class.”

20. “Boy, that Obama, he sure supports the rights of the unborn.”

September 23rd, 2008 by Jennine

I should have updated sooner but I’ve been swamped. That, and blogging really interferes with pacing, my new part-time job.

Kevin is recovering well and we are now to the point where I play bad guy, constantly reminding the child that it’s been only four days since he was doing the most brilliant rendition of Helen Keller on crack.

Mothers don’t easily forget concussions even when fathers think it’s perfectly okay to toss the football to a brain-injured child not more than 24 hours after the occurrence.

Thus the pacing.

And because the refs didn’t see the nasty tackle, I can’t comfort myself with the knowledge that the other kid actually regrets scrambling my kid’s egg.

Albert, yes that’s his name, and don’t you all picture sweet, innocent Albert from Little House on the Prairie when you see that name, probably received the “Hardest Hit” sticker for his football helmet. Albert was probably praised as they watched the film of the game. The Mayor probably gave him a key to the city and held a parade in his honor. His papa probably patted him on the back and said “Atta boy!”

Or maybe I’m just angry and letting my angry imagination get the best of me.

Kevin’s really okay. He can’t play on Friday night but the next week? Yeah… it’s that next week that concerns me. Because my window of playing overbearing mom closes after Kevin has to sit out one game. I’m not allowed to assume the worst of the future because the future holds endless possibilities of football goodness with a delicious nougat center.

My ovarian authority carries very little weight lately and it’s a very helpless feeling.

In other news, my lesbian haircut is finally starting to grow out.

September 13th, 2008 by Jennine

With the start of fall sports and the beginning of school, I have managed to get behind in my correspondence. I’ve decided to take care of all at once here on my blog.

Dear Redbook Editors,

Diane Lane was featured on the cover of this month’s edition of Redbook. Unfortunately, you airbrushed her face beyond recognition so thank you for putting her name next to her picture so that I could make the connection. For a moment there, I thought she was a Chinese gymnast.

__________________________________

Dear Bedroom television set,

What’s with the horizontal lines across the screen all of a sudden?  Are you ill? Has the layer of dust given you an electronic cold? Hang in there. Pledge is on the way.

PS…If you leave me now, you’ll take away the biggest part of me. Oooo ooo ooo oooh no, baby please don’t go.

__________________________________

Dear sleep,

You are clearly a grudge-holder. I rejected you the night Nathanael was crying because his throat hurt. He needed me more than I needed you. Ever since, you’ve been avoiding me during the hours I require you most. Would it be possible to kiss and make up? I’m craving REM.

___________________________________

Dear presidential election,

You selfish child, you! Your name-calling, fit-throwing, pre-adolescent antics have become nauseating to me. I must now ask you to go to the time-out corner until I call your name to rejoin the group.

While you are there, you should be thinking about how your behavior affects others.

___________________________________

Dear gas pump,

Don’t make me get out my bicycle! I will choose feeding my children over feeding you every time.

___________________________________

Dear Walmart,

The kids JUST went back to school and you are putting out your Christmas stuff? Has your “made in China” Rolex broken? It’s the middle of September and you’re not allowed to wear tinsel until after Halloween. Everyone knows that.

___________________________________

Dear container of canned air,

Thank you for not exploding in my children’s hands when they knowingly broke the rules and used you as a weapon against each other. I owe you $75 for sparing me an emergency room co-pay.

___________________________________

Dear Don King,

Word: Ann Coulter vs Joy Behar. Twelve rounds, no mouthguards.

Sean Hannity, the referee.

Paula, Randy and Simon, the judges.

What do you say?

Sincerely,

Jennine

September 3rd, 2008 by Jennine

The kids’ return to school has caused Bingley the Neurotic considerable despair as he now sits at the window, muscles convulsing, waiting the yellow Horrible to bring back his people.

Nothing, including crisp bacon, will tempt him away from his spot on the ledge.

Which makes me look bad because I would push my children over a ledge if it meant I could have their bacon.

August 21st, 2008 by Jennine

Explanation from the McCain campaign staff can be found here, but seriously.

It’s not like someone asked him how many socks he owns.

*JennineJohnsondotcom is not publicly endorsing any presidential candidate unless Ted Nugent decides to run as an independent.

July 10th, 2008 by Jennine

The phrase “eat like a bird” is defined as “eat very little”. It is often used when speaking about someone who needs very little food to get by, often used when criticizing someone for not eating enough. Having fed birds, I can unequivocally say that this is a complete misnomer.

Birds are pigs.

We have two bird feeders which are constantly needed to be filled due to the large volume our little bird population consumes. But they don’t even eat all the food we offer in our feeders. They take as much pleasure from eating as they do spilling the seeds which means I spend time pulling weeds from the base of the feeder as the castoffs sprout in the ground.

I read that birds typically eat ten times their weight in food every day and yet I’ve only seen the occasional obese robin.

I am convinced that this “bird flu” we all hear about is actually bird bulimia. The birds eat so much that they force themselves to vomit in effort to avoid outgrowing their nests and being ostracized by bird society. It’s not virus, but vanity, that takes these birds’ lives and yet we contribute to the problem by enabling the cycle with our all-you-can-eat bird buffets.

I also blame the media for printing books like “A Field Guide to the Birds of Eastern and Central North America” which sets an unrealistic ideal of what birds should look like by printing photos of anorexic, teenage birds.

Next time I see a fat bird I’m going to whistle at it like a New York City construction worker.

June 24th, 2008 by Jennine

I can take no credit for the blooming of this plant except to say that for a full year I avoided running it over with my car.

Perennial is Latin for “plant that withstands idiots”.

June 23rd, 2008 by Jennine

Q: How many ADHD children does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Let’s go ride bikes!

Just when I think that Isaiah is incapable of sitting still for more than a nanosecond, I catch him on the deck rail trying to get an up close view of the gold finches we feed. He was in this position for more than a half hour which means that I no longer blame his DNA for the chronic case of the wiggles.

He was rewarded for his efforts once he covered himself in a towel with just his face peeking out.

The moment I captured this image, he sprang back to life and proceeded to chase squirrels up and down trees in our woods.

The child knows how to make life fun.