February 13th, 2008 by Jennine

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.

Children make your life important.

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me”.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.