October 31st, 2008 by Jennine

Our kids ride the same bus as the kids from the group home. For the most part, other than learning how to use swear words in context, this has not been a problem. One of the benefits of sharing a bus ride with inner city kids is being up-to-date with one’s gang signs.

This morning Kait came over before the kids went to school so that she could help Elly put on her make up for the Halloween celebration at school since Kait’s apparently an expert at achieving the Wraith Queen look and the only thing Elly wants to be this year is a “Age-sucking wraith queen”.

If you aren’t a Stargate Atlantis fan, you have no idea what I’m talking about but let me assure you that I am just as confused by the idea that my sweet, nine year old, princess-loving, Hannah Montana wanna-be, feminine daughter has a dark side. And now I have to remember to check under her mattress for baggies of marijuana.

After Kait helped Elly prepare the age-sucking look, all the kids were sitting in the living room waiting for the bus to arrive. Logan and Daniel were demonstrating their vast knowledge of gang gestures when Kait said, with a certain longing in her voice:

“Awww…I used to be so good at gang signs but now I can’t remember.”

If anyone else’s children said the same thing this morning, will you please contact me via email?

omg@wheredidigowrong.com

October 30th, 2008 by Jennine

“Did you put the picture of my new squirrel on the internet, Mom? I want the world to see that I’m a great hunter!”

“I’m not sure the internet can handle another dead squirrel picture, Nathanael. How about if we use a different one?”

I showed Nathanael, the Great Hunter the above photo and as Nathanael, the Great Hunter thought about it, Nathanael, the Great Hunter’s eyebrows scrunched together.

“My face looks like the squirrel got away in that picture.”

“I’ll be sure to tell everyone that you’re a great hunter and that the squirrel didn’t get away.”

Nathanael, the Great Hunter, shrugged Nathanael, the Great Hunter’s shoulders and said “Okay” as Nathanael, the Great Hunter, walked away, clearly disappointed with the compromise.

October 30th, 2008 by Jennine

October 30th, 2008 by Jennine

Elly came home from school today with a story her teacher told the class.

“My teacher was making her bed and her little boy came into the bedroom with brown stuff on his hands. The brown stuff, upon closer inspection, was smelly! She called her husband to help and they discovered that the little boy had POOPED in his diaper and stuck his hand in it!”

I imagine the classroom erupted with laughter as she told her story because fourth graders LOVE poop stories.

Hearing the teacher’s story reminded me of one of the worst days of my life. It involved poop.

You can read about it here.

October 28th, 2008 by Jennine

Each autumn my body decides to rid itself of some excess weight. Most people struggle with putting on the pounds at this time of year which is only natural, in Minnesota at least, since nature dictates that we actually attempt to survive the frigid temperatures of the approaching winter by padding our “pockets” with an extra layer of fat. But not me. I gain weight over the summer and lose it, without effort, in the fall.

I’m not bragging, mind you. In fact, it’s quite retarded that I spend the swimsuit months squinting in front of the mirror in complete dismay at the cruel joke my body insists on playing. It seems my body always has the last laugh as I am also one of the few people who respond to any sort of pain-relieving narcotic by becoming hyperactive and sleepless. Give me a couple teaspoons of Benadryl and I turn into a brilliant rendition of Robin Williams on the David Letterman Show.

So far this year my scale has tipped, in my favor, fifteen pounds. The last time I stepped on it, I could have sworn the digital display winked at me.

However, in recent days I’ve made an unfortunate rediscovery of a favorite childhood snack. This snack renders my self control absolutely useless, with its little squiggly white icing and creme centered filling. Unfortunately, the calorie-laden pastry is easily accessible without risking jail time in its procurement. Every local gas station seems to push it on the weak and defenseless.

Mmmmm… the Hostess Cupcake has the ability to turn me into a complete sugar whore. Once I start, I can’t stop eating them and I crave more and more and more.

After a few weeks of indulging myself, the scale is beginning to tip in favor of the squinting fat chick. The funny thing is… these are called Hostess Cupcakes but the more I eat, the less I feel like being a hostess at all and the more I feel like wearing Mrs. Roper bathrobes and watching reruns of Sanford and Son.

I think they should be renamed to “Lazy Recluse Shut-In Cupcakes”.

Seriously folks. This is my cry for help. Someone needs to check my pancreas into detox before my scale gives me the finger.

October 27th, 2008 by Jennine

Driving home after grocery shopping with Darren:

Me: Man, Halloween is going to suck this year.

Darren: Why’s that?

Me: Because it’s on a Friday.

Darren: So?

Me: That means that we are going to have to deal with the sugar-induced hyperactivity instead of just sending them to school the next morning.

Darren: You’re right. That does suck.

It’s time to break out the harnesses because I’m going to have six Philips in my house.

October 25th, 2008 by Jennine

If I could do this and this all day, every day, I would be in heaven.

Both Jake and James’ moms have expressed to me the sadness they feel that their boys are graduating this year. It’s a heart wrenching event no matter how much you prepare yourself ahead of time. We spend 18 years helping our children become adults and then once they cross the milestone, we mourn its passing.

How do we let go after being responsible for every detail of our children’s lives? How do they function in this world when we aren’t there to tell them to take their vitamins and to make sure their homework is done.

Both Jake and James are exceptional kids young men but I feel and share the pain their moms are experiencing.

Having covered high school sports for six months now, I will admit to shedding a few tears when these boys played their last high school football game. The team won’t be the same next year without them. And then next year I’ll grow attached to the new group of seniors and we’ll do it all over again.

This would all be so much easier if things could just stay the same. I know at least two other moms who would agree.

October 22nd, 2008 by Jennine

There are days when Kevin realizes that he actually likes his little brother and I’ll catch Kevin teaching Nathanael some sweet wrestling moves or witness Kevin carrying him around on his back.

This day I caught them teaming up to defeat zombies on some video game. It’s like they found a way to channel their varying levels of testosterone and forgot that on most days they drive each other crazy.

I guess you could say it was a violent peace.

October 16th, 2008 by Jennine

“I GOT ONE! I GOT ONE!”

We are a hunting family and it’s been hard on Nathanael to see his older brothers come of age and join the older men in our family on hunting trips. He so badly wants to keep up with the big boys.

It’s squirrel hunting season in Minnesota and after many hours of going over safety and rules, Nathanael was allowed to head into the woods with his BB gun.

Because we have a rule that we only shoot what we will eat, I knew there was a chance that I’d be making squirrel pot pie one day. I told myself that the odds were small since Nathanael was a novice.

Turns out he’s a hell of a shot.

And so I learned how to cook squirrel. It tastes just like chicken.

Feel free to be disgusted. You’re reading the blog of a woman who gave herself a tummy tuck using duct tape. Nothing should surprise you at this point.

October 14th, 2008 by Jennine

Today, Elly and Isaiah are attending a Kindness Retreat with their class which is being held at a local church. Given the fact that my school district is attempting to make the world a better place by advocating kindness, and also the fact that our elementary school’s music teacher is teaching a whole grade of children to play those dreadful, eardrum-splitting recorders, I wrap my arms around school and give it a great big, wet kiss.

This morning I broached the subject of the Kindness Retreat with Isaiah.

“Hey, Mister, your field trip is today!! Are you excited?”

“Nah. Not really,” he said in monotone.

“Seriously? Why not??”

“It’s really dumb. They want us to learn to be kind and stuff to everyone.”

There are times it seems like being kind (and stuff) to people in our home is physically painful to Isaiah. Yet I know that this beautiful river of compassion flows right beneath his surface. I’ve witnessed it.

If school can teach Isaiah that being kind is cool, then he’ll be the kindest kid you’ll ever meet.

I can only hope the school holds a Make Your Bed retreat next.