I won’t lie. For a second I thought Jesus was coming back and my first thought was “I hope He likes Folgers.”

The phrase “eat like a bird” is defined as “eat very little”. It is often used when speaking about someone who needs very little food to get by, often used when criticizing someone for not eating enough. Having fed birds, I can unequivocally say that this is a complete misnomer.

Birds are pigs.

We have two bird feeders which are constantly needed to be filled due to the large volume our little bird population consumes. But they don’t even eat all the food we offer in our feeders. They take as much pleasure from eating as they do spilling the seeds which means I spend time pulling weeds from the base of the feeder as the castoffs sprout in the ground.

I read that birds typically eat ten times their weight in food every day and yet I’ve only seen the occasional obese robin.

I am convinced that this “bird flu” we all hear about is actually bird bulimia. The birds eat so much that they force themselves to vomit in effort to avoid outgrowing their nests and being ostracized by bird society. It’s not virus, but vanity, that takes these birds’ lives and yet we contribute to the problem by enabling the cycle with our all-you-can-eat bird buffets.

I also blame the media for printing books like “A Field Guide to the Birds of Eastern and Central North America” which sets an unrealistic ideal of what birds should look like by printing photos of anorexic, teenage birds.

Next time I see a fat bird I’m going to whistle at it like a New York City construction worker.