Jennine- Are you kidding? Pipe cleaner hair would be so cool! It would be like dreadlocks without the stink! As a sidenote, I’ve always wanted dreadlocks. It’s on my “Do Before I Die” list.

3. Your boss bumps into you in the hallway and asks a question right before the meeting begins. You notice a booger in his or her nose. Would you say something and if so, what?

Jeff- Probably. I’d say “Hey, you’ve got something there in your nose.” And then when he put his finger up there to check it out I’d say… “See? Your finger!” Because I’m hysterical that way.

Jennine- I would feel compelled to say something. I would say “Psss…you have a bat in the cave.”

4. Pretend you just won one of those “Make a dream come true” deals that Oprah is always giving away. What would you choose?

Jeff- That’s easy. I’d have her arrange it so I could play my song Blues Don’t Get Off at Night with Paul Shaffer and his band on the Letterman show. Although given the relationship she has with Dave, that would be a good trick.

Jennine- My dream is for Oprah and Stedman to get married and adopt a dozen northern Irish children.

5. Describe your high school days in one word.

Jeff- Invisible

Jennine- Absent

6. Would you rather be interviewed on “The Today Show” for your extensive collection of beanie babies OR quoted in the Washington Post by speaking out against the pope?

Jeff- I’ve already ranted to the whole world about the Vatican so I guess that answers that.

Jennine- I’d like to be quoted speaking out against Beanie Babies in the Washington Post.

7. Why do men have nipples?

Jeff- Well, it’s quite simple… You see, the embryo follows a ‘female template’. That is why nipples are present in both sexes. It is the effect of the genes, the Y chromosome and the hormone testosterone that brings about thechanges and masculinises the embryo. Testosterone promotes the growth of the penis and testicles, but because nipples are there before this process begins the nipples stay!

That and because where else would this guy put all his rings?

Jennine- Um. Because. Be…cause:

Here’s why.

(HeyBill, did you know men can lactate?)

8. What’s your favorite John Denver song?

Jeff- Actually, I like all his stuff. But I prefer them all lumped into one
Big giant John Denver song of easy-listening goodness, like this…

Thank God I’m a Country Boy because I’m heading for the Country Roads of the Rocky Mountain High to get some Sunshine on my Shoulders. So Follow Me because I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane and I don’t want to have to say Goodbye Again.

Jennine- John’s best song was on Sesame Street when he sang the Alphabet Song to Cookie Monster and a bunch of kids. He didn’t write it, but he sure brought the house down when he sang it.

9. Paula Abdul. Talk amongst yourselves.

Jeff- You mean the over-dramatic, contestant-hosin’, word-slurring-but-I-don’t-do-drugs ex cheerleader? Sorry, I don’t have any opinions to offer.

Jennine- Paula, you sure hit people a lot. If Simon hit you like you hit him, he’d be serving a prison sentence. Stop with the hands already. Silence the Violence. Release the Peace.

10. Would you rather be trapped for hours in an elevator with Richard Simmons or with Andrew Dice Clay?

Jeff- No thanks - I’ll take the stairs. But I would love to see Dice trapped in an elevator with Simmons!

Jennine- Richard Simmons. I’d have a better shot at selling him Aveda products. Besides, I will always resent Andrew Dice Clay for his joke “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children HER UTERUS FELL OUT!”

I find that highly offensive.

This school year has been difficult on our family when it comes to illnesses. Every summer I am convinced that my children have above average immune systems and then I send them off to school in September only to battle every virus circulating in the non-sterile hallways of Educationville.

Yesterday I received the letter.

The state of Minnesota has compulsory education statutes which declare “any child who misses more than seven days in a calendar school year” at risk for educational neglect. On average, Minnesota children do not miss more than seven days of school which, unfortunately, makes my children above average according to the state.

The letter sent to me by the principal lays out the consequences of absenteeism. If my child misses more days without an excused absence from the doctor, we may be required to have a meeting with the school board, or be subject to investigation by Child Protection Services.

You could kick my dog, let the air out of my tires and mock me for my stubborn chin hair and I wouldn’t be nearly as outraged. You see, I actually care about my children’s education. I homeschooled for over ten years. I check homework and volunteer at school so how dare you even hint at educational neglect. When my child doesn’t feel good, I believe it serves him or her best to be at home with chicken soup and Popsicles, not sitting at a desk in a stuffy room with florescent lighting.

So I wrote a letter to the principal:

Today I received the standard letter sent by the school when a child is absent seven or more days. It stated that my child, Nathanael, has been absent seven days and sent home early twice.

I realize that it is state policy to send this out regardless of circumstances, however I find it to be incredibly insulting to a parent who holds her children’s education as a top priority and consistently works to that end.

Nathanael was sent home early on the days when I chose to ignore my mothering instincts and send him to school despite his complaints in order to avoid receiving this kind of warning from the school district.

On the days when he was absent for the entire day, I was following the school’s guidelines for keeping a child home from school found on page 24 of the Parent and Student handbook. I have also promptly notified the school by telephone or note to inform you of the absence.

We have a large family which means that we tend to contract every virus floating around school. Our exposure is compounded by the number in attendance.

Given these facts, how do you suggest I handle this situation? I’m feeling incredibly and wrongly judged in this case. I would appreciate if you would keep a copy of this email in Nathanael’s file.

Sincerely,

Jennine

What I really wanted to say is “Stay the hell out of my business! Aren’t there some crack mommas you should be investigating?”

The principal responded:

Dear Jennine,

Thank you so for your note regarding Nathanael’s absentee letter. I am sorry that you took it as insulting.

Thank you for also realizing that we are mandated by state laws and county procedures on school attendance. Not every parent shares the same dedication to education that you and your family does. In fact, every year, I end up dealing with a family or two who do not get their child to school in accordance to what the state mandates. As with many things in life, when this happens, everyone must then follow by the rules that are set up to regulate the few abusers.

By all means, I will keep this correspondence in Nathanael’s file. And in addition, if Nathanael becomes sick enough in the future to visit a doctor, ask the doctor to write a school note at that time and that too can then go in his file.

We all understand that there are years when students seem to catch every bug that comes along. Also, some students have some serious medical conditions that limit school attendance. Good communication greatly helps when situations like this happen.

If you have any further questions/concerns don’t hesitate to contact me further. Email works well, but also feel free to give me a call or stop by the office. (I am attending state meetings, however, for the rest of this week.)

Again, thank you for your obvious dedication to education.

Sincerely,
Ms. Letter of The Law

After reading her email, instead of being outraged, I’m just a few degrees below a boil. I want to know where to address my scathing letter written to the parents who have abused the law and left the good parents to defend themselves in this way.

I hate that we have to the lowest common denominator in our society. And yes, I realize we need to protect those children whose parents don’t have their best interests at heart.

I’m just sayin’.

Boy am I!