Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don’t find these weapons of mass destruction. It’s enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.

There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it

You’ve got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

There’s a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.

Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron’s right to be that utterly, completely wrong.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

**Disclaimer**

Obviously I did not take the photo of Dennis Miller. I use a Wordpress Plugin to copyright images I

place on my website, however, it does not give me the option of removing the copyright on individual

photos.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they’re not trying to keep up with you.

Children make your life important.

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it’s time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

I haven’t trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I’ve never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced in television.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I’m taking with me when I go.

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child’s name and how old he or she is.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me”.

When your mother asks, “Do you want a piece of advice?” it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.

“Are you doing what you’re doing today because you want to do it, or because it’s what you were doing yesterday?”

“You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”

“We teach people how to treat us.”

“It’s better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else.”