It’s beginning already. I still haven’t fully digested my Christmas dinner and yet the New Year’s Conspiracy of Weight Loss and Fitness is rearing its ugly head and baring its shapely fangs. Have you seen the commericals for Balley’s Total Fitness? What about the newspaper inserts for workout equipment? Have you noticed that Slim Fast...
Monthly Archives: December 2006
The following takes place between 72 and 48 hours before Christmas. Events occur in unreal time. BEDROOM, SMALL TOWN, MINNESOTA (The camera pans over the bed. The disheveled sheets are drawn over a Jennine’s head. From a distance, the telephone rings. The exhausted woman kicks her legs into the bed in a grand mal fit...
Today my son Kevin turns sixteen. I vividly remember changing his diaper for the first time. My inexperience of changing a boy’s diaper led to him peeing all over my hospital bed but I feared that if I called a nurse to change my bedding, she would insist on taking him to the newborn nursery....
Today I spent some time following the rabbit trail from one mommy blog to another and I discovered the common theme amongst them: My life is crazy because Christmas is fast approaching and I still haven’t polished the silver or hung the mistletoe. I can’t find Baby a good Christmas present because she already owns...
Ladies and Gentlemen, it was bound to happen sooner or later and this morning, in the wee hours while everyone else in North America was asleep, I folded our family’s white clothes and get this: Every single sock had a match! “Victory is mine, victory is mine! Great day in the morning, People. Victory is...
If I had to play one more time, I would have hemorrhaged from my tear ducts. Every single time I played Chutes and Ladders, I landed on the chute that brought me to the bottom of the board while my opponent swiftly moved on to victory. It became the family joke: Mom sucks at children’s...
If I had to play one more time, I would have hemorrhaged from my tear ducts. Every single time I played Chutes and Ladders, I landed on the chute that brought me to the bottom of the board while my opponent swiftly moved on to victory. It became the family joke: Mom sucks at children’s...
It was like a dream come true. I had a ticket to fly to Atlanta to see Andrea Bocelli in concert and I was beside myself with joy. I put a great deal of thought and planning into my first solo adventure, choosing sophisticated outfits and womanly shoes, as opposed to my routine sweatpants...
Dear Lord, Forgive me for panicking this morning when Nathanael asked me “What is that pink thing sticking out from the cat’s tummy?” I really did believe, in that moment, that if I said the words “cat penis” all his innocence would be lost and he would immediately begin growing a moustache. I need him...